I really do try not to be judgmental, REALLY! But after you read this you will probably think I am. I just need to get something off my chest!
Yesterday I was a bridesmaid in my sister Jesi's wedding. She picked out the dress, and as usual, the dress was not as modest as a dress that I wear should be {A very common mistake for brides who have not had to wear garments...aka almost every bride who I've been a bridesmaid for}. See above picture, and please don't notice that I am the biggest girl there. Thanks. :)
For all you members of my church that read this, you know what I mean. For all you non-member's, I am a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I have committed to wearing the garments that faithful members of our church wear after we attend the Temple. I'm not going to get into too much detail here {if you have ANY questions email me!}, but suffice it to say I can't wear anything that hits above my knee or sleeveless or too low cut without you seeing the garment {which is a no-no, even though they are cute :)}. I know the dress looks pretty modest, but if you can't wear it without adjusting your garments then you should not wear it.
So, because the Bride gets to pick the dress, I always wear whatever they pick, but I usually have to get creative in wearing it. I have to pin the dress in place or do a little pulling and tucking. I of course hate to do this, but that's what ya gotta do when you're a freaking bridesmaid. I usually rationalize it by saying it's only for that day, the dress wasn't my choice, etc, etc... Anyways, even though I LOVE the dress, I hate wearing it because I am so uncomfortable trying to make sure my "religion" isn't showing. Luckily, it's just that day.
Here comes the real rant though...what about the girls that I see every day, whom I know are also faithful members of the church, who are wearing such a short skirt that I can see a few inches of thigh? I have been with some of these girls in the temple, so I know they wear the same garments as I do...or do they? I know we all have different body types so things fit us differently...my legs are shorter, so obviously things hit my knee faster than they do on a gal with long legs. And a shirt that is long enough for some gals will show my stomach because of my longer torso {not to mention my muffin top :)}. But I think the standards of modesty are pretty clear, and just because we may be able to buy a smaller garment size or "pin & tuck" so that we can wear a certain style does not mean we should! And we should NEVER forgo our garments just to wear an outfit...NEVER! It seriously pains me when I see girls do this...not because I'm jealous, but because I know it's just not worth it. Maybe some gals just have never had anyone tell them that.
Al I know is that yesterday having to plan which garments I would wear (my smallest ones), make sure they were clean, adjust them 10 times an hour, wear a shawl when I wasn't in pictures so I didn't have to keep my arms down, have my husband be on constant watch in case my dress hiked up, have cautious movements, only being able to sit a certain way, having to photo-shop some more dress over my cleavage in the best picture of me so that I could have it on Facebook, etc, etc, was exhausting! I couldn't do that every day! I am much happier buying clothes that I can be comfortable in. I may have to look a little harder, pay a little more, and wear a few more layers than the average gal, but it is so worth it to me and I hope it is for you too.
You would think that serving in the Young Women program would make me feel younger, but I think it has seriously aged me. I have turned into a motherly figure who wants to get all up in my girls business and pull that top up, pull that skirt down and hope that there is still material enough to cover the middle! They need examples that show that you can still be cute and modest!
Anyways, I feel better getting out that rant and I hope that we can all stop trying to fit in with the world and just be who we know we're supposed to be. And I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be a slut. ha ha ha :) I kid, I kid.
/rant
What do you think???
Modest is Hottest!
About this entry
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February 22, 2010 at 1:16 AM
I 100% agree! Once you've got the G's, the way you dress really does change and you have to be more careful. I remember that I bought a beautiful burgandy dress to wear to the temple the night I was endowed. My mom assured me that the cut was right and I'd be fine with the way the neckline was. Once I put the dress on...I was shocked by my "celestial smile". I wish I hadn't taken off the tag, because I knew I'd never wear it again (and this was before the days of Shade and ModBe)
And while we're on the subject...It's interesting to see how different each pair is. I buy not just the tall, but the EXTRA tall sizes, and some pairs still don't hit my kneecap. If I get the regular talls, I'm usually about mid thigh. I want to be obedient and "covered," but sometimes it just doesn't work.
Bless Cody for helping you with the pin-tuck polka. Taylor doesn't do such a good job with that for me... - February 22, 2010 at 6:44 AM
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February 22, 2010 at 6:57 AM
I knew a couple from my mission that had been temple workers and they said that in the brides dressing room, it wasn't uncommon to find garments in the trash!!!!!! They have to wear that perfect dress and don't want sacred covenants to get in the way, it's just sad . . . It's also difficult for me as a photographer to look the other way when taking pictures of a couple where the bride has made some obvious adjustments. We're all people, we all make choices and I'm not above making wrong ones, but when it comes to things regarding the temple, it makes me sad for those that don't take it seriously.
- February 22, 2010 at 8:02 AM
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February 22, 2010 at 8:30 AM
I also 100% agree with your post. I've had similar thoughts but never ranted about it. Now I'm wondering if the dresses I picked out for my bridesmaids made my sisters and future sister in laws have to tuck their garments all day. They were modest for sure, but I wonder if they were so close that they were checking all day. Yikes! You're right, brides don't realize it.
I remember Bishops and my stake President telling me that you should never adjust the garment to fit anything you're wearing. If you have to, then it's inmodest. Like those cute shirts from Shade that are cap sleeves. There is no way that covers the entire sleeve of the garment on both sides with nothing showing. How do girls wear that as their only shirt? - February 22, 2010 at 8:56 AM
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February 22, 2010 at 9:01 AM
Awww, Jesi finally got married! I'm so happy for her :)
Obviously not being a member means that I don't have to worry about the garment issue, but I did marry into a LDS family, so the modesty thing is on my mind a lot.
I try to be respectful of my in-laws while remaining true to myself. I'm not a short shorts & sparkly tube top kind of gal to begin with (god knows that I try and keep my jiggly bits in check), but I can't pretend that I don't wonder if my new family is bothered when I wear a tank top in the summer or a two piece bathing suit to a day at the pool, ya know? -
February 22, 2010 at 10:06 AM
Jenn, my rant is against those who have committed to being modest by wearing the Temple garment, not heathens like you. ha ha ha, just kidding! I don't look around judging those who aren't members....too much. :) And honestly, no one should be judging others by what they wear (especially me!). It's just human nature getting the best of me today.
Ruben & Kristina, my sister's wedding dress was fine, perfectly modest. My dress appears to be perfectly modest, at least when I'm standing still. But if I lift my arms you can see G, if I sat down you could see G, and even by walking the dress slid up and you could see G. It was seriously exhausting trying to avoid flashing G all over the place. My rant is that if I, who wear the proper size and fit of garments, can't avoid showing G in this apparently modest dress, what are girls who wear garments doing to wear even more revealing clothes?
Basically instead of putting some friends on blast or trying to have an awkward conversation with them about it and hearing all the excuses, I decided to just put this on them internets and see if I'm alone in this thinking. And secretly I'm hoping that some people's attitudes toward modesty will change for the better. I know, I'm arrogant. :) -
February 22, 2010 at 10:24 AM
What an exciting post Heather. Firstly the first comment on here says that when we get married or go through the temple our dress changes. But why does it have to? I was always brought up to wear modest clothes so that when I did go to the temple I wasnt uncomfortable wearing the G and I didnt have to change my whole wardrobe just so that the G would fit in.
A number of times I have heard the saying, and you may have heard it too, the g is an outward expression or an inward committment. Maybe we should all take a look and see how committed we are to our beliefs.
I have to be honest and say that I very seldom look at non members and think oh man they are immodest because they are wearing a tank top or a bikini. We all have to remember that we have free agency to choose how we are going to dress, act, and even if we are going to accept the gospel or not. Remember it was part of the plan. Maybe we should each worry a little more about ourselves and what we are wearing and what kind of Example we are setting rather than judging each other.
On a side note, Congratulations to Jesi! Well done for getting Hitched! And I am glad that you guys had a lovely time!! (other than playing G hide and Seek!) -
February 22, 2010 at 12:14 PM
Hizzeather said: "My dress appears to be perfectly modest, at least when I'm standing still. But if I lift my arms you can see G, if I sat down you could see G, and even by walking the dress slid up and you could see G. It was seriously exhausting trying to avoid flashing G all over the place."
Yes. I understand. The sentiment you've expressed here (among others) is exactly what led me to quit wearing the garment several years ago. I agree with the sentiment Alisha mentioned: "the g is an outward expression or an inward committment." My decision to leave garments behind came while trying to answer the question: "Commitment to what?"
I blogged about my feelings on modesty here. -
February 22, 2010 at 12:57 PM
Ruben thanks for your honesty. I agree with what Alisha says about how everyone has their free agency. I admit that I am in a sense committing a transgression by judging my friends. I just want to speak up a bit about modesty because all I usually see on the internet is immodesty. I want to speak up to try and level the playing field, ya know?
I will try to speak honestly and from the heart as well. I wear the Garment as a symbol of my commitment in the Temple and as a protection for me as well. The Garment is the only thing that we take from the Temple with us, and I try to honor the Temple. I don't think too much about it...I guess I'm blindly following my leaders and Prophets in their guidance to wear the Garment. But I don't think of it as ignorance...I think of it as humility. I may not fully understand the need to wear the Garments, but I know Heavenly Father does. And because he always reveals his "secrets" to the Prophets, I follow their guidance as best I can. My life has only gotten better from going to the Temple and being modest. I have never had any embarrassing wardrobe malfunctions or having men mistake the way that I dress for an open invitation. I see no joy in being able to wear less clothing...convenience maybe, but no true joy. Everything that brings true joy in this life and the next takes work, so I work hard at always improving myself and following the standards that I know to be true. The church has never led me astray, as far as the Gospel is concerned. I have only received more happiness by following the counsel of my leaders, and the major regrets I have in my life are because I chose differently.
ps...Ruben, I love your blog...you are hilarious!
pps...I think the BYU girls volleyball team looks hot, and as a former volleyball player I know it's easier to play with either super tight or super short shorts. I also know that when they are done playing, they shower and put their modest clothing on. Swimming, having to wear team uniforms, certain physical activities (including sex), and other situations are totally fine to do without garments. - February 22, 2010 at 12:58 PM
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February 22, 2010 at 1:01 PM
You looked fantastic in that dress!! Too bad it didn't just stick in place. What we women have to go through to keep up with fashion!: ) I do think the only time I worry about what women wear, member or non-member alike, is when I am with my teenage boys and I see cleavage flashing all over the place. That it so hard on Priesthood holders who are trying to keep their thoughts lean. I just wish girls and women everywhere would respect themselves and the boys around them and cover it up!
- February 22, 2010 at 1:28 PM
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February 22, 2010 at 2:35 PM
Although I don't wear garments, I feel like if you made the decision to wear them, you should wear them properly. Otherwise, what's the point of wearing them at all? I think it's kind of liking wearing your seat belt, wear it right or your probably going to go through the windshield lol.
Heather - I jokingly tell Michael that we're the heathens of the family, but everyone still loves us.. well him. They like me because I married him lol
Being the black sheep is my cross to bear since I always seem to surround myself with many (amazing) conservative friends/family. Living in Utah county has been a little rough on my liberal sensibilities and agnostic beliefs, but Im ok with it :)
And I hope this doesn't come off as rude (I have a feeling it will, as I've never been so great with tact), but as a woman, I don't feel it's my responsibility to help regulate other people's thoughts/feelings. Temptation is a part of life and if my (pathetic excuse for) cleavage is what sends someone over the edge, then there are probably bigger issues at work. -
February 22, 2010 at 9:44 PM
I have to agree with jennifer on the point that it is NOT our responsibility to regulate other people's thoughts/feelings, and I kind of hate it when we teach girls that the reason behind being modest is to help boys control themselves. It's not. Controlling themselves and their thoughts is their responsibility! Jennifer seems to understand modesty more than many of our church members. We strive to be modest because that is what the Lord asked us to do and we are showing respect for Him and ourselves by doing it. We are being obedient. THAT is why we are modest. Not because boys can't control themselves if we show too much skin. I strive to be modest because of my commitment to God not because of who is looking at me and why.
That being said - I have never had pair of garments go down to my knees. I don't think I go to short because if I don't buy petite bottoms then then the crotch hangs down really far. So I buy what fits comfortably and that usually rests an inch or three(?) above my knee depending on if it is cotton, silk or that new fangled kind. Like you I have short legs and a long torso, so i buy talls in shirts and petites in bottoms. weird, huh? I buy dresses that hit me right above the knee, but not so much anymore, because with all weird bending i have to do with kids it is TOO much to try and make sure it is covered, like you were saying. That dress you are wearing is something i would try on in hte store because it looks modest and then after i was done with my bending experiments i've devised, it would fail and be hung back up. Like you said if you haven't wore them you don't realize that they won't be covering the G's if you move, even though it looks like it would on the hanger. and that is my opinion on that. - February 23, 2010 at 1:08 AM
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February 23, 2010 at 6:56 AM
Trish,
I don't agree that the primary purpose of modesty is to be obedient. I don't think God actually cares if we're modest - and I don't think God has specifically asked us to be modest. I think the emphasis the church places on modesty is primarily a social construction - not unlike expectations of modesty that exist in any number of religious communities.
That being said, there are clearly benefits in many situations to the person dressing modestly. It is easy to establish that someone should dress modestly because they will receive some personal benefit.
I struggle with the question of whether we bear any responsibility to help others control their thoughts. I realize that we can't control anybody else's thoughts, but we certainly influence those around us by how we dress. Adopting a line of thinking like "If my outfit bothers someone else, that's their problem not mine" seems to disregard Jesus' teachings to love each other. At the same time, no outfit will please all the people all the time, so at some point planning to offend some people by how we dress is simply a reality. Certainly some members of society have unrealistic expectations of modesty that we should all comfortably disregard, and some people will lust no matter how modestly we dress. But to entirely absolve ourselves of any responsibility for our influence on others doesn't seem quite right, either. So I continue to struggle with defining how I feel about modesty. -
February 23, 2010 at 3:59 PM
I agree with Trish & Jen I used to be LDS and I have chosen another path to live as an adult. I have to just say I Love Trish's line of thought, I hate being judged by others by what I wear. I never get to carried away and have to low of a top or short of shorts just because I am not LDS does not mean I do not have morals, and living in Utah I get judged a lot by the people because of a tank top, or Bikini. I have 2 boys and I would never assume every women they see is not going to be out for attention. I believe it is my job as a mother to teach them sleazy vs not. Even if every women dressed appropriately, I promise you they will see it on TV or in other ways. We can not hide our children, we need to teach them, we can not cover our husbands eyes we need to keep them happy. It is just life and we have to deal with it, we can not fix it.
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February 25, 2010 at 10:45 AM
I know that we all have a different opinion about modesty and quite honestly, I believe we just need to agree to disagree. However there is one thing that my heart knows to be true beyond a shadow of a doubt and it is this.
I KNOW that we have a Heavenly Father who loves all of His children and I know that He does care about what we wear. We are His children, and He has given us council through His prophets to be modest for reasons that are His.
In regards to Heather's post about bride's maids dresses, I think that no matter who we are and no matter what religion we belong to that we need to be aware of our friends and love ones and be respectful towards their beliefs and what they are comfortable doing (or wearing in this case) regardless of what denomination they belong to! To be a true friend is to respect our friends beliefs; not place another in an uncomfortable situation and ask them to lower their own personal standard, wherever that standard may be, for our own personal gain. And on the other hand we DO have the freedom to say no to the bride if she wishes us to wear clothing we do not feel comfortable in. It stinks for sure, but in everything, we really do have our freedom to choose! -
March 3, 2010 at 3:51 PM
Those are a lot of posts that I'm not going to read, so I'm pretyt sure I'm totally off but HEY! You're like that anyway. I remember you calling me a slut when I was younger because of what I wore (good times and laughs--no worries). But I learned and don't adjust 'em.
I don't get why people adjust their garments as it is because so many cute clothes work with garments, even the hot, sexy ones. In my opinion, the garment standard helps a girl stay classy, no matter what religion. In conclusion, it was Berry Berry flavor. THANKS NANCY! - March 6, 2010 at 8:41 PM
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March 8, 2010 at 11:12 AM
Hey! Just found your blog as i got along with my blog stalking today. I want to say- I AGREE. I pin and tuck anything and everything. I thought i was the only silly girl in the whole universe to even behave that way!
LOVE your rant here!
p.s. hope you feel better after all the effort you took photo shopping your picture :) -
March 10, 2010 at 1:57 PM
I guess it's not anyone's responsibility to worry about someone else's thoughts, but it sure is nice when they do. I know my 15 yr. son appreciates it when a girl is not hanging out of her top and he doesn't have to try to look the other way, try not to notice, pretend he doesn't care but hormones make him want to sneak a look, etc, etc, etc. They do see it all over TV and in every single store they go in and at school, which is why it is sure nice when a few girls show some consideration and help them out a little.
- March 25, 2010 at 12:45 PM
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March 29, 2010 at 6:37 AM
Ahh, "G"s...
I must say that even though I was taught the LDS standards of modesty growing up, when I started wearing garments, some of my shirts and dresses that I thought were modest didn't totally cover the garment. I still get bummed when I find clothes that I think are totally modest but when I try them on, they don't quite cover G.
I just want the church to come out with a garment that doesn't have such a tight restrictive band on the bottoms that cuts off my stomach. It's incredibly uncomfortable and it makes me look like I've got a big muffin top when I've only got a little bit of a mommy pouch! -
April 2, 2010 at 10:19 PM
This is Sjauna's friend Sarah. I thought I'd come over and see what you guys are up to since it's been a while. I am THRILLED by this post. I struggle with this all the time. I see WAY too much thigh, chest, and whatnot among members who have been through the temple. I completely agree that your dress was pushing it. I would MUCH rather be in something comfortable where I don't have to constantly check and worry. One time my mother in law said something about letting the temple go through you instead of you just going through it. I thought that was such a good point. It is not enough to casually go through the motions, we must be changed and purified. When that happens we have no temptation to push the limits. Thank you for being so bold and for sharing this. It's been bothering me for a while but I'm still not brave enough to speak out. Kudos to you and I just have to say that the YW are lucky to have someone like you who will stand up for what is right.
- April 3, 2010 at 12:16 PM
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April 7, 2010 at 12:49 PM
Heather I am amazed that the little girl who once bit me (in a place that a niece should never bite!) is now such an awesome woman! You are a great person and I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your beliefs knowing that some may choose to take offense (we each choose to take offense or agree or disagree). We should each take a closer look at how we care for and display the bodies we are blessed to have. As Naomi said we each have the choice! I choose modesty!
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